- 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

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- 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Tue Nov 13, 2012 3:47 pm

[ 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard ]
Charles Warren Howard

http://thecompoundrp.forumotion.com/t21-mr-charles-warren-howard-sanguine-vampire

A burgundy leather bound planner with silver clasp binders that hold singularly dated, lined white pages.
The book is new and evidently high quality stationary and well kept save for its battered corners.
An address book and a personal telephone directory sit in the back, a calendar with various circles around dates in the front.
Warren keeps oddments of noted paper through out the planner.
Most of his appointments are written on the pages themselves however, recently he has begun to note his thoughts at the bottom third of each page.
A Journal if you like, here are his entries






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12th Nov

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:31 pm

NOVEMBER
12th


An eventful evening to say the least.
Karou's wings broke from her skin tonight. Dramatic and too messy for my taste.
The smell of all that angelic/nephilim blood was hard to cope with. I was holding my breath most of the evening
It is so pungent- I can still smell it on my skin and in the hall... It torments me.

I am still very much in turmoil.
Karou has wandered into my life and I am utterly unsure of how to handle her.
Dealing with females has been my strong suite in the past, but I feel that it would be inappropriate to treat her how I
used to treat the broads of the 20's.
She is young and somewhat lost. A fledgling Vampire as well as just having come into nephilim maturity. She has so much on her shoulders,
and so much baggage I don't know how to deal with. I sired her, I feel fatherly and it pains me... such an unattractive role to play
and not to mention she doesn't want a father, or guardian for that matter.

She is a women and I am a man; a man who hasn't been in the company of anyone for such a length of time,
least an attractive female. (I sometimes see her as a girl, those times are few and far between.)
Dr. Sage brought to light the subject of her attractiveness, I stinted the topic by simply not giving my opinion.
My opinion is obvious to him I am sure... He is a smart man, and I am a pathetic liar.

I have given some pathetic and ugly lies as an opinion in my effort to convince myself or something, a false truth
to hold onto in the absence of the actual truth. I am keeping my distance and it upsets her,
I come near her and say mean things I later regret. I cannot win.

My mind isn't confused, I know who I am, what I want... but that isn't what I need or what Karou needs.
I cannot bring myself to act out.
I have been alone for so long, I was content. I told myself I was content so often, I started to believe it.
I have seen it as the lie it is.




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13th Nov

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:34 pm

NOVEMBER
13th


Another evening spent with Karou. I have become far too tired from doing pointless work and staying away from
the unit all night merely to avoid her. It was time that I stopped, fatigue AND thirst being the culprits that forced
my retirement.

I figure that I had once again fallen asleep in the library, I never would have thought my little spot that comfortable
it seems that exhaustion makes any place a viable bed.
I encountered Karou on my exit- having woken. Rested but not fed, I tired my hardest not to be as 'moody' as usual.
It must have gone well seeing as we spoke for about three/ four hours. Refreshing that she wasn't concentrating on my
feelings so much.

I never force a situation, and this time it took a very surprising turn.
I don't believe Karou has ever been bitten on the neck before. A first for her, a first for us both,
sharing our blood with each other - her bite is so gentle.
One thing that isn't at all a surprise to me is how delicious she tastes - she may insist so
(Although I think she does only because she assumes it upsets me), she is no longer a Vampire.
Not by a great length, and though she may thirst for blood like myself, her whole being is no longer vampiric.

On the topic of surprises, I may have done something I have not yet decided whether to regret or not...
It was definitely another surprise to top of the feeding style. Maybe this is what I was so afraid of, things happening
so naturally.

At least she is still Karou - Who is Karou to me? That is the question






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18th Nov

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:36 pm

NOVEMBER
18th


Plenty has happened to write down, but I find myself lost for what to write.
Even though I have been doing a copious amount of thinking lately...
I just need a release before it gets to cluttered up there, I can't think, for the lack of space.
Even now its muzzy, I am full of questions and confusion...

____________________________________
The Unit has become a place I can be Me.
I mean truly. I can go there and relax completely. Even though Karou is around.
I never thought I was feel so comfortable around someone else, but I do.

(Though I still wont use the gift around her... that might spring too many new questions
for her to ask. Honestly, I don't think I would have any answers about it for her, it is still
alien to me - even after all these years)


She wanders around and I don't feel my eyes watching her nervously any more,
looking at what she touches and moves, any more. Although she has small habits that annoy me...
She leaves the soap on the side of the sink in the bathroom, instead of in its tray in the shower - but
that I think I can cope with it.

Maybe she will stay forever...
Forever is a long time though
(Id like her to stay, now that I think on it)

____________________________________
The last two days have been some of the best days here to date.
I have hardly done any work though... I doubt the council will notice...
(The Employment Applications are still on my desk - unchecked, unsorted
and people still remain unemployed, and I don't think she fully believes me
when I tell her she is a distraction...)


We get into deep convocations almost every afternoon and loose track of time
until the evening comes, getting to know her has gone out of the window.
I feel that no matter how deep I delve I will never get to the bottom, at there is time...

Now I just say and do things for a reaction... A word, a thought, a touch, a smile
just to see what she will do. Usually just what I want or expect, is toying with her cruel?
My actions aren't intended to be.

[side note:]
There are things she doesn't understand though.
Some of the things she says are misleading, though she is too naive to see it...
Provocative, and innocent all at the same time.
'' She likes being 'touched' ''
An odd word to use, why not 'Held' or 'Hugged'
(I guess the answer lies in how her parents treated her)
I don't mind when she says them in front of me, but to others its concerns me --
what do they thinking about it?

As far as feeding goes... well there hasn't been a human in our Unit for over a week now...
Even though it is practical, it is still intimate - even when only feeding from the wrist.
Merely because you are ONLY feeding from that person.
Feeding from the neck in a whole other level of intimate... but oddly being that close
-doesn't bother me... she doesn't seem put off either.
(But I am still of the thought that she should try as many people as possible to find her
comfort zone. I am just not enough for her.)

I'm still lost as to whether that is how I feel or, whether is it just Vampiric nesting instincts.






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19th Nov

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Fri Nov 23, 2012 9:37 pm

NOVEMBER
19th


Magnus...
Another meeting and it is still as unpleasant as always. Although it was for a good cause: Karou.

It has come to light that perhaps Vetrics intentions here aren't all that savoury, I hope for Karou's sake
that isn't true.
Dr.Sage was the one to inform me, Keep an eye on him as it were. I don'y have enough eyes to keep an
eye on everyone I should be at the moment. They are otherwise engaged.

Being a Nephilim isn't safe. I knew this, but I had never imagined she might be attacked in her own 'home'.
After some effort on my side of the arrangement the proper actions have taken place, and legally might I add,
to ensure her safety. It will be so much easier to not have to worry about her when she isn't with me.
Apparently; he could call on his choir to come and execute her at any moment... I have to admit his presence is rather
unnerving at the best of times. Perhaps that is why - his intentions.

All over and done with now.
Karou is officially been claimed by the Vampiric Council, and though she may not look altogether Vampiric.
On paper - legally she is a Vampire. Now the Celestial cannot have her and so as they wish with her.
Most of all she has been named my fledgling... not that she seems all that grateful.
The whole ordeal she had to go through was done to keep her safe when around Veteric, and all she seemed
to care about on our arrival back at the compound was his feelings about her Vampiricy... It is so disappointing....
Never-mind, even if she doesn't come around, she can always denounce me.
Until then, her papers will come in the mail today, we both need to sign them.





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24th Nov

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Fri Nov 23, 2012 10:01 pm

NOVEMBER
24th


The last few days have been a blur, I remember so little of them...
Just carrying on as usual, surviving not living.
Leaving people to their own devices is going to come back and bite me in the ass soon.
I need to hire someone to get through the employment applications. People keep bugging me about it.
(As if one man could keep on top of it all)

Karou dodging again- pathetically...
I don't sleep or even go back to the unit, I have spent the last few nights sat on the main lounge sofa.
Sleep has begun to evade me all together.
Human blood is also even less satisfying that it used to be.



After spending a hour in the tavern and three pints of blood later, I feel no better
Tired, withdrawn, drained, dizzy, dazed, hazy, thirsty, famished, starving, craving - they don't even cover it.
Disappointing to the point where I feel physically sick for once. Vomiting doesn't seem to far away...

[Written earlier in the day - 1pm]



The evening was pleasant; as awkward as it may have been.
My thirst was quenched at last, though it wasn't as straight forward as it had been previously...

My eyes are wide open, I am completely awake and alert, yet I want to lay down in bed for once.
The feel of the sheets against my skin; attract me. The soft pillows, the scent of feathers, clean, fresh
and full of sleep and then the other scent that lingers in that room like a familiar, pleasant perfume.

I think she is asleep right now, she isn't in the lounge anyhow. Sitting here alone, the TV just playing to
itself, it's nice to sit on my couch.
In my home. But not alone as usual.

I keep looking at the wall... I think the bookcase has made a dent in it, from when it rocked back against it.
I must have pushed her back into it with more force than I thought.
Maybe I was too forceful, I told her not to play around, not to tempt me.
Although she said she liked it, I guess I did, it was different.
(I think she is enjoying exploring method, and sensation; of feeding)
Instinctive even. I would never have stopped, even if she had slipped away,
but there is a point when the whimpers and shirt tugging play on your concious.

It is so much easier when you aren't thinking about it logically... not having to censor yourself, mind every thought
that might slip free. Morals are over rated. There are so many things I would do, would have done in the past
if my mind hadn't told me it was wrong, or dangerous.
RISK AND MORALS... everyone is haunted by them.
The devil on my shoulder smirking while the angel bows her head,in disapproval.
Angel... I still can't bring myself to touch her wings. They look so fragile. She seems so fragile.

[Written later in the evening- 11pm]




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24th Nov

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sat Nov 24, 2012 10:47 am

NOVEMBER
24th


'There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them HER.
It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse'


A poem that came to mind as I laid in bed this morning.
Pained over my awful behaviour last night. I hope I can fix it in time.
I hope she doesn't leave, or ice over (A 'thing I have a habit of doing myself )

Winter is coming, but I think its time my icy disposition melted away - it isn't helping
me cope with pain any more - it merely inflicts more of it on me and others.



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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Tue Nov 27, 2012 6:21 pm

NOVEMBER
25th


Its 3 am...It's dark and icy outside. Winter has come.

I am restless, though she has just fallen to sleep.
I considered just laying there, but I think my mind is so 'full' -
maybe that's the reason I can't relax.

I am currently sat here waist deep in thought...
A disorientation comes over me when ever my head touches the pillow.
I wish I could wake her, just to talk, not about anything important... just things.
Just lay here and talk like we have before.
But it takes her long enough to fall asleep as it is, so I guess I'll just have to watch
her lay there - peaceful, serene while she dreams. A jealousy washes over me...

This is all I can think right now, those lyrics...

'I don't quite know...
How to say how I feel.
Those three words.
Are said too much,
They're not enough.

If I lay here, If I just lay here,
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
...
I need your grace.
To remind me... To find my own
...
All that I am, All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where, Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here, If I just lay here...
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?'


Odd but they speak to me, so loudly. Resounding in my mind.
Perhaps its pathetic or corny, but songs are s'posed to do that right?
Relate...






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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Tue Nov 27, 2012 6:46 pm

NOVEMBER
26th


It is so hard admitting ones short comings...
Not only to someone else, but sometimes your yourself.

'I don't quite know how to say how I feel'
I know how I feel, though.

It slips out when I least expect it - for instance at 5 am in the morning...
When I am half awake, and nuzzled into the mess of dark brown hair that isn't my own,
dark black/blue feathers and the soft pillow below my head.
Everything seems okay, until I wake up.
Think back to what I was doing in that moment, then nothing is okay.

It is so hard to explain ones self, when you aren't sure if it needs to be explained....
Is it wrong at all?

I just want to feel...






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27th Nov

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Wed Nov 28, 2012 3:08 pm

NOVEMBER
27th


Racked with thought I stumbled into the tavern for some peace, only to find it filled with strangers...

The Neko boy needs to be dealt with, so do all the children wandering around- Vis' is right about that.
Perhaps I really ought to ask the IVG about this Altenburgh boy... He can hardly be a threat? Can he?
If he were the Davikov would have slain him already, they have swallowed whole armies with their swords -
never mind a mere 5 year old.

Karou had an episode in the tavern... whilst we were sat there amidst the crowd of strangers...
I'm not one for public displays of affection or any physical contact, but I couldn't bring myself
to be as cruel as to let her ride it out- paraded before everyone in the compound...
I carried her out, actually in my arms. I held her. Such an awkward feeling.

--------------------------------------------------------
We walked back to the Unit
I admitted to my inappropriate actions the evening previous.
She didn't seem to care, which I should have expected.
She doesn't understand.
That doesn't make it any less wrong though, right?





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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Wed Nov 28, 2012 3:12 pm

NOVEMBER
27th


Come and hold my hand - I want to contact the living.
Not sure I understand, this role I've been given

I sit and talk to God and he just laughs at my plans
My head speaks a language, I don't understand

I don't want to die...But I ain't keen on living either.
Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave her...

I scare myself to death - That's why I keep on running
Before I've arrived I can see myself coming.

I just want to feel real love. Feel the home that I live in.
I got too much life running through my veins ... To go to waste...

I just need to feel real love.. In a life ever after
There's a hole in my soul. You can see it in my face
It's a real big place.





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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Thu Nov 29, 2012 2:19 pm

NOVEMBER
28th

(Evening)

Philosophizing...

LIFE is for rent. It isn't ours forever, we have to give it back to where ever it came from.
We all come into it the same: Screaming at the top of our lungs for the first time, small and helpless,
with no set destination, no map to guide us. We are born: Lost...

Then we go about doing all the normal things in between, the things we are told are important
right from the beginning, we go about doing the things that are expected of us.
Walking, Talking, Eating, Breathing - the small things... then the larger things...
Making friends, School, getting a job, first dates, marriage, having children...


But when it all comes down to it, its pointless.
The chronicles of life, are boring and common-place, and ultimately pointless.
We all go out the same: An Old and wise mind, trapped in a wrinkled and broken
form of ourselves.


At least... that's how it is for most people.
Mythicals, Immortals are still a minority.
Some of us have a longer rental period, with a ridiculous amount of added interest to pay...

Some of us (like myself) remain youthful, and live for a great deal longer... but is it really a gift?
We are told it is, by those whose life is so short. But is it actually something to be thankful for...
What is 'forever' if you cannot enjoy it like you are expected to?

_________________________________________
You see when I really come to think about it... I honestly cannot think of anything else to do with
my life.
108 years is quite sufficient!

I spent my youth cramming in every unimportant expectation.
Because I honestly thought I would die young from the abuse I committed on my body in LIVING

I drank until my sweat was even classed as a percentage. I smoked until my lungs were black and their
air I exhaled was nothing but ash and smoke. I danced until I couldn't stand; my feet bruised and blistered.
I made love to numerous women until I was dizzied with ecstasy. I was successful and had money to burn.


I feel completed, and now I am just lingering.
An old mind bored to tears as he waits for his body to wither.
I am waiting for the relief death brings those with such sort lives...
I don't have any reason to live any longer... Or do I?




NOVEMBER
29th

(Morning)

I haven't actually been living...
Merely existing
- because I filled my mind with that philosophy:
That all those unimportant expected things, I did in my youth were living,
and that everything else after my death became a pointless add on that I
paid for everyday in my depressive misery, as I stung myself by convincing myself
that that philosophy was right.

It's wrong!
There is much more to life that I have yet to discover.

I have made myself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole.
I have convinced myself that it's not the reason I don't see the sun any more
but the actual reason is that I don't go outdoors and actually look or feel the sun.
I don't look at people any more, I look through them...
I don't allow myself to feel anything. I tell myself that I don't deserve this extension of life,
and so I don't live it, I let it go to waste.
I have too much life running through my veins to go to waste.

Maybe its time I stopped punishing myself... helping others, fixing things isn't enough to make this
existence a life, I need to do something selfish for a change.
The reason those that life out shorter lives say that a longer life shouldn't go to waste is because
life is precious and people will always fight for it.

Now I am just getting overly emotional... but I don't tell this to anyone... this is just to myself.
That'll be all...





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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Mon Dec 03, 2012 2:08 pm

NOVEMBER
28th


Sometimes things get broken, sometimes we can fix them.
We all make mistakes and break things.
Sometimes we forget about them, and let the mistake or break fester and infect us
- which makes it harder to fix.
I know about this all too well...

I am broken...
I have been for a long time and yet I have done nothing about it.
My wounds have festered and infected me with bitterness and hatred for things I dare not admit.
Constantly, regreting my yesterdays (since my death) and mourning my tomorrows,
never living existing in the present.
I walk around like a Ghost, as I dwell on what has been and what has yet to come,
and in my solitary pondering I distance myself from those that living around me.
Sometimes the people/person I long to be closest to. The person that is constantly in my thoughts,
too often goes without my attention due to my thinking about her.
Yet even now a sadness runs through me. A sadness I am trying to overcome and fix.
I need help. Please tell me I can be saved?



We are given so many choices on a daily basis, I have to find a new way to answer.

'' Forgive me, Cause its more than I can bear
You demand I make my mind up, I've deciding not to care...

Stop giving me choices
Stop giving me choices!

I'm the victim, of this day and age.
I've forgotten how to feel.
I've forgotten how to change.
So I surrender, to the apple of my eye.
I surrender to the wind, I will let the wind decide.''


I am going to play it be here, and LIVE in the moment.
I don't believe in fate per say... but sometimes it isn't necessary to plan everything
to get somewhere, sometimes life just takes you where you're s'posed to go.



But I cannot rush into this... I have tried to let go and be spontaneous but
a few times he had lead me down the wrong path.

Last night, was perhaps one of the worst nights I have spent in the compound.
My thirst, on the brink of starvation I was wandering around aimlessly, pondering.
When upon hearing an innocent passing comment by the most innocent (and dear to me)
person, I found myself enraged...
I shut down, became Icy, heartless and cruel... I am so good at that it seems.

'' I could Break it, I could break it till it hurts.
I could take Whatever words you say, Pretend I never heard.
So Forgive me!
This Shouldn't be so hard - But it's they way I'm put together;
so your never getting past.

Cant we talk this through
Actions are not what I'm used to.''


Hm I am more of a planner, talker than a do'er when it comes to physical contact.
''Touching'' still scares me, I admit it.
I feel like anything I touch will turn into ice and shatter.

Last night, I broke her... Karou.
Emotionally I tortured her, emotionally I tortured myself.
My words were not my own but the vestige of my anger manifested verbally.
My actions where not how I desired to touch her, though through my thirst -
violence became so easy... Her wing beneath my hand, (the wings I could have
never touched before), snapped at my grasp...
It sickens me.

I am trying Karou.
(I know we are both trying)
We are both learning, learning how to do things for the first time, and again.
We are slowly fixing each other...

''Without Friction, We Would float up into space
Maybe you could be the friction that will keep me in my place''


Maybe you can be the one to fix me, completely.





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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Thu Dec 06, 2012 2:19 pm

DECEMBER
4th


Cold as ice, and more bitter than a December. Winter night, that's how I treated you.
And I know that I, sometimes tend to lose my temper and I cross the line, Yes that's the truth.

I know it gets hard sometimes...But I could never, leave your side. No matter what I say.

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge.
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me...
Better than I know myself

All along I tried to pretend it didn't matter if I was alone, but deep down I know
If you were gone for even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn, cause I'm lost without you.

I get kind of dark. Let it go too far .I can be obnoxious at times but try and see my heart.
Cause I need you need now. so don't let me down.
You're the only thing in this world I would die without.




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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Thu Dec 06, 2012 2:37 pm

DECEMBER
5th


I am a rational man above all else, even if people tend to think sometimes my choices aren't at all rational...
They are, they are always purely rational.
My forte is to not let my emotions way me in my argument or choice.
It's also my vice.
I'm not emotional any more, I don't know how to process them, when they creep up on me, any more.

I have been feeling too many emotions lately to deal with.
(I don't want to get into what I have been feeling, its pretty obvious)
You're confusing me... so much and I know that this emotion is pain...

My argument:
Don't creep closer to me than I'd like. Distance has always served me well.
Don't kiss me and trap me in that feeling, convince me I am safe in it and that everything is fine...
and then sign your denouncement papers.

So now I have to deal with the fact that one day you're going to decide to leave.
I deal with that, the only way I know how...distance myself from you.

Don't blame me for it!
You're well versed in the action of running. I am running, as fast as I can.
I always said I was faster, but you're gaining on me.

Violence happens on my part, and just when I think that
that is enough to sever the ties... you convince me to tell you HOW I ACTUALLY feel. I love you.
I don't want to when you're going to leave.

Cliché, maybe, but there are two kinds of lovers - good ones, and those that break you and leave you
for dead - Like Ellis.
I WAS a good one, once, but time and bitterness as polarized me... I will break you, worse than you're breaking me...

I wont love you for a little while and then kill myself dying over your absence. It isn't rational. I am a rational man,
that doesn't believe in the bitter-sweet. Why set myself up for the fall?
Understand this... Please?




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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sun Dec 09, 2012 7:39 pm

DECEMBER
8th


I admit I had previously thought about writing...
''How can we take back what's been done, what's been said?''
Apparently it was simple...

It was all about finding that moral line,and crossing it.
Out of my comfort zone. Outside of what I thought was right,
What I thought was between Enough and Too Much...
(What was Enough was perhaps closer to Too Much than I had first perceived)
Too Much came so easy...
A drop of blood was all that it took to push me over that edge, and without hesitation she meet me there.
How gratifying that can be, that without words someone can know what you want from them.

_______________________________________________________

I had intended to talk our situation over with her tonight. Explain myself, apologise.
Rid myself of that Guilt. But when you've already been forgiven there is nothing left to apologise for...
You just have to get over it... Besides, Talking it out is over rated. We fixed it.

The tension, is finally gone.
(Not just because we acted upon it, but because it brought me to realise something I had been missing about her.
Something I hadn't saw in her behaviour until now.)

Now I can actually relax; I can actually go to bed and sleep, without keeping one eye open to watch my every move.
Making sure that my actions don't cross that line, that they aren't 'too much'.

Too much?
Ha!
Now I have seen it!
Done it!
And It's no longer an issue... I don't care about its boundary.

And the reason I don't have to care is because I don't have to protect her from anything...
(The thing I realised)
She isn't the child I foolishly assumed she was, she can handle herself.
She knows her own mind at the end of it all, and could stop me at any moment.

_______________________________________________________
At the end of it all...
Though she doesn't know social 'norms' and the names of the reactions she has... she still knows HOW to do them.
It's like a new born knows how to breath, you don't have to show it... just because it doesn't know that its called breathing,
doesn't mean it cant do it.
Just because Karou doesn't know 'HOW' to kiss someone... doesn't mean when she closes her eyes and lets go,
that she doesn't actually kiss... She does, She can, She has.




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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Mon Dec 10, 2012 2:37 pm

DECEMBER
9th


Things are falling into place for the moment.
Here is to hoping they stay there, at least long enough for me to enjoy them.


* My nerves are not bothering me now.
* My thirst is no longer an hindrance.
(I know that reason for both of these things resigning as an issue,
is due to the altered nature of my feelings. And not to mention,the 'talk' which has
eased the tension that hung over our relationship like a heavy rain-cloud.)




Though I haven't wanted to admit it, her immaturity bothered me, slightly.
I guess that's why I held back my words so many times, worrying she wouldn't understand,
or take it the wrong way, which is so easily done with me, I am no Shakespeare.

That is another thing that has changed, and though it has happened violently I am still proud
of her, in making those baby steps towards Adulthood.
I have so many things to teach her, so many opportunities to offer. I want to see her make
something of herself, become Karou - the person she see's herself as.
(I don't care if I come off eager, or as though I am trying to mould her to my want.
Keep you're pointless, negative opinions to yourself. As long as she knows my mind, my feelings,
what I want for her, then I am content. Utterly content.)


I am excited for her going forward, I am no longer dwelling on the haunting thoughts of
how my existence is going to continue after she has gone, grown and flown away.
I will cross that bridge when I come to it, and say goodbye knowing I gave her everything I could offer.
It was so selfish to only think of HOW I was going to cope, rather than how I was going to
make her new life the best it could be.



Back to the violent act that opened my eyes to her true nature.

Dr Viseryn Reed Sage... there really isn't a word to describe his foolishness...

All that needs to be known is that:
He thinks his molly coddling is productive and what is best for her....
and that I am a bad influence on her.
He is obviously blind to how much I have given over the last few months, to forsake that all,
just for one mistake? Honestly, get a grip. Wake up and smell the coffee life isn't perfect.
Everyone makes mistakes, and besides I was forgiven before even having the change to
apologise, so save your pathetic, empty threats.

He paraded his views as though they were law, and I know law... Frankly, he is just full of shit.



Morningstar?
I haven't found a way to tell her about he ancestors yet, but she is already on the road to
discovering the traits they have passed to her. She is going to be one hell of a cut-throat women,
by the time she has matured as a Vampire and leant how to handle herself fully.
A Vamperic- Nephilim, she's like a deadly flame, that will burn the very soul of you should you cross her,
though at the moment she is merely smouldering, the flames haven't burst into life yet.
Perhaps if I directed some air their way it might fuel her fire?
At the moment she is clumsy, and very amateur in the handling of her Seraph Blade, though that will
all come with practise and time. I shall ask her before enquiring about having her trained, it might stand her in
good stead later. She doesn't need instruction in how to use her fangs though, that she is very good at.
She really makes an excellent Vampire.

As for now... I doubt Viseryn, will cross her again.
Need I explain more?




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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sat Dec 15, 2012 10:07 am

DECEMBER
11th


Today isn't a day I wish to remember, yet here I am noting it down.
Magnus has called me away from the compound. There has been some apparent great developments in the
Myth Rights Empowerment scheme. Something I apparently need to know about right now...
when right now I could unfortunately care less.

Maybe its wrong of me to want to be locked up forever, but when you enjoy the sweet company,
can you blame me?
Although not all the company is pleasant... but they all dwell outside of our Unit, so I guess I don't care
much for what they fill their days with.
After all, I know I own this place, but I'm not the type to get overly involved in others lives -
not a born leader you might say. This is the wrong job for me and the IVG
know it, but 'Hey I have money, enough to pull this thing off, so who cares right?'
Sounded like a dumb idea then,and still does.
I can't honestly say I hate it all that much though, it brought someone to me, someone I can't do without now.

I know, people around the compound know I'm doing an half assed job of it all, but they have a place to sleep,
food etc, isn't that all they need, they can amuse themselves. They are adults, mostly...
No one knows what they are doing in all of this mess, its either The Compound or hide out, out there and probably die.
I don't think people back at the Compound have assessed the situation out here properly...
I'm sat on a train from London, going into France, and then from there to Russia - might take me 2 weeks.
It's the only way to get there in all this mess. Planes are a no go. Trains are difficult, but do-able I guess.
Fake papers etc, it's all a mess, a mess I'd rather not be in.
I hate being away from home.

I'll write once I stop again.
I think some sleep would be a good idea, I'm travelling through the night - I wish I was back in my own bed.
I miss you already. Time to put on my façade.
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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sat Dec 15, 2012 10:18 am

DECEMBER
12th


I am on the German border, waiting to get into Poland as I write.
Stopped off in Berlin and Warsaw, on the way, from there to Brest, Belarus.
Mr. Black is meeting me in Minsk. From there it's a private plane to Blue Ash.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I keep thinking how I left without saying goodbye, or even a note...
I am such an inconsiderate ass sometimes.
I wonder if you have noticed I'm gone, I wonder if you miss me... even if its just a little?

You're sister is there now, I hope things are going well for you...
Things didn't seem so good before I took off, I'd like to know more about her.
Maybe I can find out more about that Russian accent whilst I am in BlueAsh-
perhaps find something out about her, something that might help you.

I shall write soon, I think. A post card.
I can't wait to get back and I'm not even in BlueAsh yet.



I think I need to go feed before I move on, my thirst is hindering me, I hope no one has grown suspicious.
So hard acting like a mortal nowadays.
I shall write later.
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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sat Dec 15, 2012 10:31 am

DECEMBER
14th


Meetings... how they annoy me.
A rouse... how inconvenient for me.

This was a ploy it seems, just to get me here.
There is no news on the Myth Rights Empowerment Scheme. Apparently that's a dead end as of now
'Too much violence in the press at the moment, Mr Howard' they say.
Psh you're just wasting my time.
Even though it isn't precious, I know, But its mine and I like it un-wasted. Thank you Magnus.

I'm actually here to talk about what we are going to do with My non-vampire.
They have your denouncement papers it seems, and Magnus has let our secret slip.
'It's for the best, Warren'He said.
Fuck off with your bullshit, Magnus.
Yet again he is in it for himself, and screw everyone else who gets caught up in the mess.

I've just sent you a letter, I hope it gets there as soon as possible.
Magnus will be coming to Visit us again, to discuss the plan of action.
I've informed him how we 'faked' the taste test, he was impressed. Impressed that I actually bothered
to try and save you. Apparently he finds my behaviour endearing, he is just so condescending about it all...
Why am I even surprised?
I am meeting with the council again this after noon to try and convince them you are worth keeping...
I just hope they don't get overly interested in your 'powers', like they did mine.
Your future is still your choice as far as I am concerned. I'd like to keep it that way.
(Why am I writing to you, when you'll never see this?
Maybe its just someone to direct my thoughts to... You're the only person I'd be telling if I were there anyway. )


Time to go again.
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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sun Dec 23, 2012 8:44 pm

DECEMBER
24th


What I have been doing:

15th:
I arrived back home- The Compound
Nothing much had altered, except Karou - she is forever changing, second by second.
Every-time I see her face she wears a different expression, her eyes look at me differently-
Its so small no-one else would notice, but I notice.
I am both pleased by this and ... pained. Am I loosing her?



16th:
One bitter-sweet day in my Unit is all I am allowed before I am to leave again.
Called away... My business is not done so it seems. Apparently the news they have for me
can not be discussed over the telephone. Such an inconvenience. I am missing so much here.
I am missing her. I have so many questions for her;
How is Viseryn treating her- has she taught him his lesson.
Margra, her sister- are they talking?
But No.... I am to be flown back to the cold harsh winter of Blue-Ash, to endure another interrogation.
Is it really any of their business what I intend to do with MY fledgling?



17th:
A day spent high above the clouds, Flying half way around the world though not on a sunny vacation...
I am descending into winter as I speak, I can feel myself icing over again.
I was warmed by her, but the distance between us cools me, chills me to the bone, my heart is frosting over.
My finger tips sting as then harsh wing wisps around them, he cheeks glow, my breath - displays itself as a plume
before my face - I sigh - I am staring up at the Castle gates as they open for me.
I am being swallowed by this fortress of loneliness, the walls alienate me from her.



18th:
A meeting with the council. A meeting with my killer. The assassin in disguise as my lover.
The council has nothing different to talk about, all I feel is her eyes upon me as I sit
aimlessly scratching at the paper with the pen I hold. Her eyes scratch at me, tearing away
my composure. Eventually I have to look over at her, as her foot traces up my shin from
beneath the table. The eyes that seem so familiar have something in them that I cannot
recognise, something that I cannot put my finger on until it is too late.
LUST!
She never looked at me in lust before, I was the instigator or any passionate
affair, not this time. The temptress she has become has striped me of my dignity,
and has be in a choke-hold against her sheets as she has her way with me.
The wife of my mentor, my lover, my Ellis. She has taken me, for the first time.
Submissive in my ecstasy I take her back...until she is done with me, and leaves me to my guilt.



19th
The day of Woe- Wednesday.
Nausea, washes over me. Pain and angst fill me. I am over flowing with guilt.
The rain pours down onto the windows of my car as I drive through the cool winters
night, and the heat that blows from the vents offer me no comfort- I am ICE.

Morning breaks: I shower, I get dressed - put on my façade.
I realised I no longer miss her, but would rather avoid her altogether.
Seems that fate is not on my side.
I find myself in the courtyard before long, and there she is before me.
A short convocation - a pang of agony crashes into me like a tidal wave.
She isn't the same girl I remember leaving - suddenly as I see a look in her eyes -
a look that doesn't seem like it belongs to her shy, innocent face - I feel a little less guilty.
I am loosing her, I know now. She is growing and I am making the same foolish mistakes
I have been for decades - I am going NOWHERE, She is going SOMEWHERE - without me.

This is all I can think as I watch her execute Viseryn. At last she has served him the dish he deserved.



20th-21st:
A day to despair and wallow in my own self pity and guilt.



22nd:
A day to rationalise this miniature disaster.
I am not pretending that it hasn't happened.



23rd:
Coming clean? Is that the way to go?
A confession slipped from my lips, the first moment I was alone with her it overflowed from my lips
before I could stop myself.
And then as if only to hurt me more, her face....
She looked at me with the eyes I remember from that first day - in the forest.
Karou is still the same person, inside, where is matters. When it counts that is the side she shows...

As I expected of her, she didn't know how to act and forgave me so easily.
I break her physically - she heals so quickly, or buries it, whatever it is she does it blows over and she forgives me
I break her emotionally - she doesn't notice. She doesn't realise how heartbreaking my act should be - she forgives me.
It is no use this time Karou, I cannot forgive myself.
I wanted Ellis, dare I admit it.
I missed her for so long after we 'killed' each-other.
To touch her again filled me up in that moment.
The ache for her that I had hidden melted away when she kissed me again.
But this doesn't mean I don't love you.... I think.




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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sun Dec 23, 2012 8:50 pm

DECEMBER
25th


Christmas morning and I wake up with her in my arms. How did she end up there?
I don't want to move from this warm, loving place. I don't want to think about anything else.
Lay here and forget the world...

'There are worse things than having behaved foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them HER.
It is 5 a.m. All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse'


But still I cannot dissuade myself from the thought that I still love her...Karou. I do.
I have said my goodbye to Ellis, I have held her for the last time, I have given her my last kiss.
It is over, I can truly begin again.

Merry Christmas Warren.
Happy new years too.
Start again, out with the old, in with the new.







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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sat Dec 29, 2012 10:17 am

DECEMBER
28th


New Year nears, Winter has taken hold and the first snow is gone, the third is falling as I write.
I feel lonely for once in a long while, a feeling that is so foreign I have no idea how I am s'posed to
deal with this empty feeling. As though I could place my hand right into my chest, and remove my own
heart and look at it.

I am in my 'new office'... Hiding...It is cosy and the scent that fill this small room is oddly enjoyable.
(Speaking of hearts, I foresee I will remove a great deal of them here.)

I am aware how dark that sounds, I am aware of the dark thoughts that loom in the trees that circle the edge
of the forest that is my mind.
They glare at me, red eyed and cackling from their shadowy vestiges, and though they show themselves to me in moments when I least expect it.
I have my back turned and one of them edges it's way from the trees, before I can focus upon it it has disappeared back. In reality I am sat in a room, talking to Karou or anyone and suddenly the convocation disappears and I am daydreaming- I am back in the clearing... thinking things I shouldn't.

Magnus warned me that nothing good would come from spending too much time in my own company...
But lately I have been trying to spend more time with her, and yet I can still feel my mind bending... More so.
Is this what happened to you Magnus, is this why you're morals are so twisted, am I going to end up like you?
You are like a father to me, and I have feared since the 'sell by date' was still printed upon my skin that I would
end up like him - my father.
Was that thought always going to be true, was it a prediction I made about my own self?

Prediction...
Karou...
She has left me. I am so lonely.

When ever I have left you before my mind is distracted by my reason for leaving.
Now you have gone, all I can wonder is what it is you're doing.
What are you talking to Magnus about?
Is he asking about us?
Are you telling him the truth?
Please do not tell anyone the truth....
They will take you from me, I think, I fear.
Magnus will want to collect you... keep you for his own sick purpose...
But... I want you in mine. You are mine.






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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Sat Dec 29, 2012 10:33 am

DECEMBER
29th


Waking alone makes the bed seem unlike itself... I do not recognise it - how her side is undisturbed.
I don't know what I should do today... I have no work to be doing.
I have time to spare, time I would spend trying to find her, thinking about her. She isn't here and the place seems empty.
My behavior is obsessive, but I cannot help it, perhaps it shouldn't be helped?
If I wanted to hurt her due to this sickness that is metamorphozing me, I would fight it.

I thought I would remain in this in-between state forever, indifferent to everything.
It seems that actually feeling something for once has woken something more within me...
Right now I have other things to concentrate on...Why did Roman want to see Karou?
What questions does he have for her?
Should I call Blue-Ash, ask Magnus what is going on?
Should I just go, follow her?
...Has she met Ellis?



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Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

Post  Twist-Of-Fate on Mon Dec 31, 2012 11:11 am

DECEMBER
30th


Ms Morningstar, what a pleasure to finally meet you. You aren't nearly as insufferable as I had imagined.
In fact... I rather like you. I doubt I will be letting my guard down any time soon. Business is Business...
and if she wants to do business, then she will have to know how to please me, IF she wants to get what s
he wants out of me. Although from what she has already told me it just sounds like she wants another man on board.
Well one with a brain that is in function at least.

I'm not as fearful as to what she wants with Karou, I just got a feeling that maybe her cause isn't as EVIL as one might expect
from the daughter of Lucifer... After all she isn't going get anything out of making his war worse, other than a moment of
cackling laughter to express her victory. So logic tells me, if she is anything like me- she seemed to be, she is doing it
to get something out of it for herself.
She has mentioned a meeting she would like me to attend. I am dubious, I am technically not s'posed to dabble in
business with anyone other than the Davikov... But what Roman doesn't know wont hurt him.
I am considering going, merely to nosey into her plan.
And maybe I am slightly, honestly interested.





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