Re: - 2012 Planner - C. W. Howard

**Twist-Of-Fate** Tue Jan 01, 2013 12:58 pm

[ 2013 Planner - C. W. Howard ]
Property of Charles Warren Howard

https://thecompoundrp.forumotion.com/t21-mr-charles-warren-howard-sanguine-vampire

'A navy leather bound planner with silver clasp binders that hold singularly dated, lined white pages.
The book is new and evidently high quality stationary and well kept save for its battered corners.
An address book and a personal telephone directory sit in the back, a calendar with various circles around dates in the front.
Warren keeps oddments of noted paper through out the planner.
Most of his appointments are written on the pages themselves however, recently he has begun to note his thoughts
at the bottom third of each page. A Journal if you like, here are his entries'

**Twist-Of-Fate** Tue Jan 01, 2013 2:22 pm

Tuesday 1st, JANUARY 2013

Happy New Years

**Twist-Of-Fate** Sun Jan 06, 2013 10:58 am

Thursday 3rd, JANUARY 2013

Mom: Warren why are you hiding?
Me: I don't know. I just feel safer here...
Mom: Safer from what? Come out from under the bed, Come here?

She held out her arms to me, and I nestled into them.
They were so warm and gentle.
I was young then. I am old now
and I have no ones arms to comfort me.
I am still allowed to get scared right?
Even if I am old?

Things are changing again, faster than I would like and it makes me nervous.
I am not accustom to change. I have spent 40 years establishing a routine, so as things
wouldn't have to change.
Cambria's plans mean so many changes.
For me and for Karou.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Thu Jan 10, 2013 5:23 pm

Saturday 5th, JANUARY 2013

The Lycan has arrived. Kurtis Brandt.
Later than usual but his pack were never one for being on time for anything...
Even my old man's funeral... Ah but who cares about that.
I introduced them, Cambria and Kurt, and she wasn't the least bit thankful... just pissed because he has that annoying alpha
stubbornness. Hope she knows she wont find a guy more equip or willing to help her no the Lycanthropic front.
Shame I didn't get something out of the recommendation. Still there is time.
Cambria has big plans for him. I hope they follow through seems that for once Lucifer's daughter is showing her
good side. 'Good will to all.. Mythicals?'. How fitting for the time of year.

Speaking of Cambria... I can't pretend to be friendly with her at the moment...
But that is for personal reasons. Kurt, well he is just good business.
Maybe I shouldn't let her actions get to me, but we are talking about Karou here. So it gets to me, a lot.
Once in a while an non-business like move can result in what you want. Lawyers play dirty right?
I gave Kurt to her... She didn't say thank you, and then went on to beat Karou for talking to him
because her other useless puppet couldn't get to him first... All the more cause to: Take him away.
Pathetic revenge? Possibly, but that doesn't take away from the sweetness.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Thu Jan 10, 2013 6:21 pm

Tuesday 8th, JANUARY 2013

I made myself talk to Karou tonight... It was more difficult that I had thought.
She seems depressed by the distance I am keeping, but it is so hard to get close, when I can't forgive myself for
both the promise made and the ugly affair in BlueAsh. Karou is too forgiving, she can't possibly understand how awful
what I have done, actually is. Her argument is that the distance is more painful - though I guess she is right on that point.
It is becoming rather unbearable, to the point I can't sleep. I used to be so peaceful next to her, but now I just lay there staring at her.
Ugh am I really this sickeningly love hungry? It's absurdly adolescent sounding.
My head has got to be straighter than this... She is just the one thing I don't want to hurt. That is all. That is how I justify this insanity.

It seems the evening ended with an unspoken forgiveness and due to my fatigue I caved.
She is very persuasive, when she wants to be. Even if sleeping on the couch isn't the most comfortable... at least it gave us an excuse to
sleep together, and an excuse for me to ACTUALLY sleep.

I feel so refreshed this morning, maybe I ought to rethink my approach, or lack of it.
The distance is just making us feel worse and it is so hard to avoid someone you live with.
Perhaps she was right, running away wont solve anything, giving it might be the only option...
I still don't think I am suited to the 'conventional relationship' though, that is something we ought to discuss.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Thu Jan 10, 2013 7:04 pm

Wednesday 9th, JANUARY 2013

Feeding is such guilty pleasure these days, but still worth it. Thought taking it 'one step further' is not my goal just yet, not for a while.
Karou certainly is grow up fast- not that I mean to make her sound like a child, but when I met her, (socially, romantically) she pretty much was.
For a while I had wondered if I could still be in love with her even though she has changed a little each time I look at her, from one second to the
next she is never the same as the moment before. I have found, however, that it only adds to how long I look at her, and after having looked for so
long, I can't help but still feel the same.

Odd admitting how I feel on paper. I don't think I have before.
Well there is it. Make of it what you will...
____________________________________________
Well fed and bright eyed, I think I should probably head out into the woods to see Kurtis. We have business to attend to.
Karou's lip and bruises may be healing, but that doesn't mean I didn't also feel the sting. Sire, fledgling relationship... such an odd thing.
Although I didn't physically feel it when it happened to her, having seen her injuries afterwards, it sent a chill down my spine and a twinge
through my chest.
Business is business, until it gets personal.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Mon Jan 14, 2013 3:59 pm

Sunday 13th, JANUARY 2013

My apologies for not writing sooner, business down state with the lycan pack is taking more of my time
than I had planned/hoped. Kurt is being uncooperative as usual. It seems I shall have to get to the beta,
and then to the alpha to discipline his son, to persuade him to my will.
Only way to Pack Beta is through his wife, coincidence that that woman so happens to be Kurt's elder sister,
and an old acquaintance of mine. Getting my way was easy enough, though I think how I told Karou I was
going to get it was a little vague and alluded to something other than my meaning.
Lycan are fickle, that was merely my point. Lycan women can be promiscuous it is true, though I didn't mean I was
planning on persuading her in a physical manner. Perhaps how that is how it came across, it seemed to leave her feeling
uncomfortable.
Not surprising... still it pained me a little.
Clarifying my meaning, I invited her along. A cheap necklace was merely my weapon of persuasion,
though I had to get Karou to hide her birthday present, being almost five times as expensive if she had caught a glimpse
of it the expense of her own gift might have been given away.
No matter, the meeting went well and it seems the beta already knows.
I got a call from Kurt but an hour ago.

I have had a pleasant evening, Easton, and Karou make surprisingly good company, though Margra sat with us she
was rather disturbingly quiet as always. Seems Easton has had his eye on Karou, I don't blame him.
Though I don't think I have given anything away. Merely alluded to keep him curious, perhaps he will delve deeper or
take it as a warning to become disinterested in Karou. Ibram arrived, the two (He and Easton) seem to be in friendly terms,
the comradery over the topic of Karou and I's relationship while amusing went a little too far in some areas. I don't believe it is anyone's business. Besides the relationship is nowadays perfectly innocent.
As I have said only a few days previous in my entries, it shall be a while before I consider pursuing her again, if at all.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Mon Jan 14, 2013 4:10 pm

Saturday 13th, JANUARY 2013

A later entry. Later in the evening after Warren had left the Tavern had his company
and arrived home at his shared Unit. Around 11pm, having spent the evening alone with Karou,
before he went to bed he wrote:

Thirst has overcome me, whenever I am this thirsty my judgement seems to slip somewhat.
Perhaps they were right though, I have been with-holding certain things, things that only the dazed thought
that comes with thirst can release. Still I am feeling much better after having fed that is true to say.
Though perhaps it would be dishonest of me to write that is the only reason I am feeling ~~content~~ satisfied.

I think tomorrow I shall be in a good mood if all goes to plan and I sleep as well as I hope.
My bed looks so very comfortable and inviting as I write, here is to a good evening and a good nights rest.

It seems a while is a shorter length of time than I had anticipated.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Tue Jan 15, 2013 3:51 pm

Monday 14th, JANUARY 2013

My bribe has paid off
It seems that that alpha has come to my way of thinking.
Oh how I hope to see Cambria soon, seems she is so sure of herself...
Though I am still amused by her choice in company: an actor - self centred, vain and insanely fickle.
She chose him to be her liar.
How hilariously ironic!
I, a lawyer am a Lair... An actor merely pretends to be someone dishonest...
A true lair can see straight through him, just because his mask is false doesn't mean it doesn't appear so.
I thought she was smart, I thought she was smart due to the fact she seemed to notice my own intellect.
Pity her logic has apparently failed her.

Though I have wondered...
Has she chosen Edward due to the fact he has a 'face that fits?
Maybe she actually hopes to bring Margar out of her shell in another manner,
and the 'liar' rouse was well a rouse...

I do hope that is her true way of thinking, or I might have to think less of her.

Pondering over a few words, an old song I heard recently.
Lyrics are meant to strike a chord with you, a personal note...

'Now I dream. Over and over again
The same dream. I'd better stop

I see your face and I remember when
So much has changed between now and then
There was a time you had to make up your mind

I used to fantasize that you were mine
You tried to hide your feelings, but I'm not blind
I saw it when I looked into your eyes
I've had a thing about you for a long, long time'

The lyrics don't hold as much meaning as they did a few months ago.
Things have indeed changed since then.
The convocation in the tavern the other evening merely stirred some thoughts about how I had felt a few months ago...
Maybe now all that is left is the memory of the feeling?
I didn't act on it - well once, but that was definitely a mistake.
I had made up my mind after my return from Blue-Ash, but I still look back and wonder,
not regret, but merely surmising about what would have, might have happened.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Sun Jan 20, 2013 9:30 am

Saturday 19th, JANUARY 2013

Last night was the first time in a long while that I entertained people at my own will.
I thought it would be good for Karou.
(Probably something she hasn't done before - had people around for dinner, at a place she can call her home.
Even though we share it, I hope she see's it as as much mine as it is hers.)
I invited Easton primarily, I haven't held a convocation with him in a long while,
and I was much different back then in Blue-Ash. Though I don't rate his choice of occupation-
if you can call it an occupation at all, though some do. He wasn't all that bad a guy,
if you can see past his fickle attitude, sometimes it's amusing, sometimes it's annoying.

Karou seemed to enjoy the company though, at least from what I gathered.
(Funny; I never notice the odd silences when people are just watching us look at
each-other, when we are having our own silent convocation. Maybe that's a
a reason they find our cohabitation so odd?)
She didn't enjoy his surprise date so much though: Her sister- Margra.
Fact of the matter is; she is just too damn quiet to pass as a party guest.

I don't know her well I admit, it's tough getting to know someone that silent and withdrawn -
I now see how Karou must have struggled with me in those first few months.
Maybe I ought to try and talk to her? Again... maybe listen a little more this time.
After-all it'll be interesting to see what it's like for others trying to talk to me on one of my off days.
___________________________________________________________
Back to the topic of the primary invite.
Easton was reluctant to accept my invitation, his first concern being that was asking him on 'a date'.
He ought to know me better that that would never have crossed my mind.
His second being that 'did dinner with two vampires mean a blood bath?' - Of course not.
As always the object of our first convocation was Karou.
I can see why everyone finds her so curious, but for Easton its a different matter all together.
Perhaps it was wrong of be to bring up his vulgarity at the dinner table?
The thought of his wants just sit in the back of my mind, like an itch I cannot reach to scratch.
It's evident that she is attractive, but he really doesn't need to be so blunt about it... Not in front of me at least...
Am I being overly possessive again? Am I being jealous, suspicious? Do I need to be?

Lately its getting harder to lie about us, especially when I was at home during dinner when the topic
of us was brought up... My façade falls away as soon as I step over the thresh-hold.
Inviting someone past that and having to maintain myself at the same time, was definitely a challenge.
Even though we have slipped over the barrier of friendship, only twice, but twice none the less...
I still manage to clamber back over it and distance myself again, even though the distance hurts her
it's not healthy to linger on the other side, when I know that I'll go and leave her there alone, while I
play away with someone else. Insisting friendship is better in the scheme of things. That I am sure of.
___________________________________________________________
Even though I threw Karou's favorite spaghetti together, and served that as dinner, the meal was pleasant,
and the company for the most part.

Perhaps dinner again?
Perhaps talk to Margra?
Perhaps stop lying?
Now I feel the need to sleep... Bed beckons me

**Twist-Of-Fate** Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:27 am

Sunday 20th, JANUARY 2013

I have taken on another challenge. Dinner the other evening inspired me to listen.
Margra shall be moving into the Unit, along with Karou and I. It is slightly daunting but I think
that perhaps some good can come of it, if all goes well.
Margra seems indifferent to the purpose of her moving in, which on one hand is good, on
the other I sense it is going to pain her when it comes to accepting herself as something different.
Lycanthropy is very different from Vampiricy, so guiding through her shift will be a challenge.
That is if she is going to let me understand her at all.

I know what it is like to maintain silence, for one or two reasons, I also know what its like to be
brave enough to let someone in, to let someone listen to your silence.

My silence has ended now, or at least the lies I have spun to hide the truth of my personal life have died.
It was relieving that no one took too much notice; shock at first, when they first set their eyes upon us
closer together than I have ever let them see before. That subsided quickly however, and there where
no questions about our relationship this time. It was clear to see, words did not need to be spoken to explain.
______________________________________________
This is how it all started;
Karou had noticed how challenging I found it, over our dinner with Easton and Margra, to maintain our
distance. Especially in our Unit, where I am usually at my most relaxed. She had noticed two things,
two things I had no given much thought to; My admittance that our last feeding encounter had
felt different somehow.
The latter; a comment I had made (telepathically) over dinner, that I was finding it harder to lie.
She didn't press the issue at the time, she took the time to ponder over it.
We went to bed as usual, I woke her in the late morning and still she said nothing, until after we had
spent to afternoon together in the common room where I had taken a somewhat premature feed.
Then is was, that she asked me what I had meant.

The revelation of the truth coming out has come about at the perfect time, and we were given the
perfect opportunity to silently reveal the true nature of our relationship to the curious friends we have
come to share in the compound.
She had taken to my lap during our feed, and she simply remained there as we were joined shortly after
by Easton, Margra and eventually Ibram.

I can see things being easier from now on.
Now to bed, Karou has already gone. Apparently she has to be up early...
I doubt I shall be.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Tue Jan 29, 2013 4:11 pm

Tuesday 22nd, JANUARY 2013

Experimentation reports:
TEST SUBJECTS
Eight Males from different race, geographical location and background.
________________________________________________________________________

Subject 1 Jason Maddox	(American)Caucasian	25 Years Old	Texas	Shifted 7 days ago Reported unusual symptom - Headache, blurred sight Resulted in loss of conciousness for 48 hours. Deemed insane after blackout.	UNSUCCESSFUL TERMINATED
Subject 2 Robert Hawthorne	(English)Caucasian	23 Years Old	North Carolina	Shifted 3 days ago Abnormal Mutation - Dimorphism and Fur Loss.	UNSUCCESSFUL TERMINATED
Subject 3 Marcus Campbell	(American)Caucasian	23 Years Old	Colorado	Shifted 2 days ago. No reported abnormalities	SUCCESSFUL
Subject 4 Darius Williams	African American	28 Years Old	Illinois (Chicago)	Shifted 6 days ago. Use for strain 22X	SUCCESSFUL
Subject 5 Colby Jackson	African American	26 Years Old	California	Shifted 2 days ago. Extremely aggressive - (Unbroken) Possible side effect of 22X- Discontinued use!	SUCCESSFUL TERMINATED
Subject 6 Jared Richards	(American)Caucasian	28 Years Old	Iowa	Shifted 4 days ago.Use of strain 23X	SUCCESSFUL
Subject 7 Jose Gonzales	(Cuban)Hispanic	27 Years Old	Florida	Shifted 5 days ago.Use of strain 23X	SUCCESSFUL
Subject 8 Kenneth Mc Carthy	(Irish) Caucasian	26 Years Old	New York (Manhattan)	Shifted 7 days ago.	SUCCESSFUL

________________________________________________________________________

Successful test subjects remain with Pack in Montana.
3 Female subjects have been chosen at Random.
Tests are to be done Wednesday.

[table][table]

**Twist-Of-Fate** Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:26 pm

Thursday 24th, JANUARY 2013

Subject 1 Jennifer Rockwell	(American)Caucasian	25 Years Old	Connecticut	Shifted 4 days ago. No reported Negative side effects.	SUCCESSFUL
Subject 2 Felishia Johnson	African American	24 Years Old	Georgia (Atlanta)	Shifted 3 days ago. No reported Negative side effects. Eagerness to hunt was noted, though no aggressive behavior followed	SUCCESSFUL
Subject 3 Salma Hernandez	(Mexican)Hispanic	22 Years Old	New Mexico	Shifted 5 days ago. Reported to have become slightly Aggressive, during first shift (Full moon)- Controllable.	SUCCESSFUL

________________________________________________________________________
ALL FEMALE SUBJECTS HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL WITH USE OF 23X STRAIN OF THE SYNTHETIC LYCANTHROPE VENOM

**Twist-Of-Fate** Tue Jan 29, 2013 5:53 pm

Saturday 26th, JANUARY 2013

Plotting, Pondering has filled my week.
I have been alone in my new office since last Saturday. The Lycanthropy Venom is proving successful.
Which can only mean that Margar's shifting is becoming imminent. I am intrigued to see how well she shifts.
I have spoken to Cambria about my plans to shift her though it seems that her living with Karou and I
has only revealed more to me how useless she as both being a tool to Cambria and a person.
Still Easton is trying his best, I must ask how he 'getting on with her'.

I would be lying if I was to say I wasn't missing Karou.
I can smell her through the door whenever she is around the Unit... it only tempts me to open it, or let her inside...
The door shall remain locked for now.
The couch in here isn't comfortable. I have pondered, late at night as I lay staring at the ceiling,
whether she would mind if I were to sneak through the Unit and steal myself away from my work for
more than an hour to sleep with her in our room? I doubt she would, but still I shouldn't.
I cannot afford to leave the telephone for too long... and I wouldn't hear it all that way away from it.
I definitely wouldn't want to be disturbed by it if I were in bed either.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Tue Jan 29, 2013 6:02 pm

Saturday 26th, JANUARY 2013

Odd that I know this feeling. Music communicates in a way like no other.
I am having one of my bad days... Not communicating too well myself today - though I am locked away
Things shouldn't get too difficult, I am not dealing with people today.
I still miss her though, this lyric reminds me of our first few months, and sometimes, even now, it is still relevant.

What I am to you is not real. What I am to you you do not need.
What I am to you is not what you mean to me.
You give me miles and miles of mountains...and I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that in front of me
I kissed your mouth your back. Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down.

And I'll ask what I give to you; Is just what I'm going through. This is nothing new!
No no just another phase of finding what I really need.
Its what makes me bleed and like a new disease.
Lords she's still too young to treat.
I, Like a distant tree.
Volcanoes melt me down.
She's still too young.
I kissed your mouth.
You do not need me.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Sun Feb 10, 2013 11:41 am

Saturday 9th, FEBRUARY 2013

A million perfect moments go rushin' through my brain
Our first trip to the ocean, your first time on a plane
When you look over your shoulder, baby, you can choose
To remember me however you want to
That's how I'll remember you

Every time I smell October you're standing in the rain
When you look over your shoulder, baby, you can choose
To Remember me however you want to
That's how I'll remember you
I've forgot the bitter, the winter's just a blur
I savor the sweet as if the summer's all we were
And ever will be, oh, and I still see

A million perfect moments go rushin' through my brain
Every time I touch the ocean, anytime I taste the rain
When you look over your shoulder, baby, you can choose
To remember me however you want to
That's how I'll remember you.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Wed Feb 13, 2013 3:01 pm

Tuesday 12th, FEBRUARY 2013

Entries are going to be few and far between I expect. I am not ready to write about my
current thoughts yet.
An odd sensation runs through me, one I don't feel often and have only ever to my knowledge
experienced before: Grief.
It's reassuring to know that I am, at least, not the statue of ice that everyone perceives me to be.
I still suffer in silence though, utter silence. Speaking of my reaction, I have been reading more lately,
mostly psychology books. Odd - I know and unlike myself to have an interest in such a field.
Curious I am though, I was interested to know if those with the brains for others brains actually get
what people like me feel like, correct. For the most part they do, though how they write about it,
is somewhat unfeeling and unforgiving- almost negative, derogatory.
I understand they are writing about people that don't know how to show there feelings like others,
but they don't need to write about it like we don't have them at all. It's as though they suddenly
have a lapse in their memory and forget that people suffering from an attachment disorder
aren't sociopaths...they don't NOT have feelings, they do like any other person, they just
don't understand how to show them. To me there is a difference.
I know HOW to love someone, I just fail when it comes to being affectionate.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Wed Feb 13, 2013 3:08 pm

Wednesday 13th, FEBRUARY 2013

I woke up, in my chair around 3 am with a feeling, just a momentary feeling.
She isn't here any more, no where near... People are going to start looking for her.
Who will they ask first, they are sure to ask me as a last resort.
Should I tell that I know? I don't know how I know, but I do... I just know.
Karou, I am glad you're spreading your wings and exploring.
I am almost glad that this fell to pieces, sooner than I had imagined,
but still I am glad that you are finding yourself, even if I can't know her.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Sun Feb 17, 2013 6:47 pm

59 Days (2013)

Two months since I last wrote. It hasn't been a time to dwell on things, on the ordinary things that I do all day.
Now I cannot escape the feeling that I need to write some of this down, again my head is too full.
Honestly... Iliya isn't here to listen right now.
Yes Iliya Zvezdanov, the Sominuim. I let her in, into my dreams and my mind, I need someone else in there.
To keep it from twisting, or disappearing all together. I have felt as though I have been loosing it all together
a lot lately. Two months feels like nothing, like mere moments.

liya has become a friend, she is smart and we have a lot in common, also a lot that we disagree on,
but that is half the fun of arguing. She understands, understands I am not falling to pieces over what
everyone thinks I am.
I am truly not, what they don't understand is my withdrawal...

I am not an emotional wreck, the 'break up' didn't leave me so much as aching but in sever pain, and anger.
So much anger I don't know how I contain it, maybe the only reason I do is because I am honestly too
weak to act on it.
I can't feed enough, I can't get enough blood to quench me. I can bathe in it,
drink the whole tub and it's as though I merely licked her paper cut...
The vial sat on my bedside table taunts me every night, though it also keeps me trying to get over it.
This urge to go after her, not to talk or console or to make things better, but just to drain her. EVERY LAST DROP...

There is no doubt in my mind that she no longer exists to me.
Only her blood

**Twist-Of-Fate** Sun Feb 17, 2013 6:54 pm

RESURRECTED... RETURNED (2013)

SHE IS BACK

New ground and my head is spinning.
I cannot find my feet to stand on it.
My head aches, my chest burns,
I am lost, no foresight to guild me.

I hate her, her new look, her new smile,
her new posture, her new voice, her smell...
I love her smell. I will always adore than smell...
But everything else, her eyes, they aren't her eyes.
I want to see HER eyes, and they aren't there.
Its all gone so quickly, I was in too much pain to mourn over it.
But not its gone, actually disappeared.
She is actually dead. Burried inside this NEW Karou.
Maybe she isn't even somewhere in there, maybe she IS just GONE.

I don't know how I got back to the Unit, crawled perhaps?
I am in bed, Iliya didn't call back.
I can't breath and the vial is empty, shattered on the floor.
SHE IS BACK.

'Half of those that say they will go at 200, don't'
Maybe I won't make it to 200...
Maybe this will kill me.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:55 pm

BLACK 2013

'All the love gone bad turned my world to black.
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be...

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine'

- Idel doodling of lyrics, as he sat in his office contemplating over his
prior feelings.

**Twist-Of-Fate** Thu Feb 21, 2013 2:15 pm

MISSION: NEW AGENDA 2013

I have so little to write about. I am back to me old self, I feel.
The Old Warren, the Lone Warren.
I read, I sketch, I play piano. Many pass-times in fact.
I talk to one person, and one person alone as always, Iliya is my chosen 'person'
The only one I wish to fellate with, but that is just my way.

However, I am surrounded by other people, the compound though it is quiet is still 'busy'.
There is always someone where ever I go, be it the wood, the common room, the tavern.
Always someone lingering, alone or talking, being normal?
Though I persuade myself to feel content, I am not.
Not at all, I am restless.
Restless in my sleep and in my days.
Restless to sink my fangs into someone neck. This thirst is stifling.
Restless to submerge myself in the treturous water and disappear, or simply leave this place.

The carcass of 'the happy days' is all that is left, the flesh that was the happiness that filled it
has been picked away by the vultures of my discontent.
The dry, empty cavern of the ribcage cages me, when I scream there is no sound.
No one turns to look. As though somehow the skin remains to hold the sound inside.
Maybe I am just not screaming, merely internally?

Surrounded by people, and yet so lonely, and I don't know how to reach out and reach one of them.
Even my 'person' feel distant to me.

The plans I had plotted my future around have dried up, and so I am left stagnant.
For the first time in forever I have no purpose.
I need a new agenda

**Twist-Of-Fate** Wed Feb 27, 2013 5:51 pm

I AINT MISSING YOU (2013)

I haven't spoken to her, avoiding her is easier.
She is here... but the memory of her not being is still very much at the front of my mind...

'Every time I think of you
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here and you're miles away
And I'm wondering why you left

And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles
And it always makes me smile

I spend my time thinking about you
And it's almost driving me wild

And there's a heart that's breaking down this long-distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away.
I ain't missing you
No matter what I might say.

There's a message in the wire
And I'm sending you this signal tonight.
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight.
In your world I have no meaning
Though I'm trying hard to understand

And it's my heart that's breaking down this long-distance line tonight.
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away.
I ain't missing you
No matter what my friends say.

And there's a message that I'm sending out like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance
Stop this heartbreak overload

I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
No I ain't missing you no matter what my friends say
I ain't missing you
I ain't missing you
I can lie to myself.

And there's a storm that's raging
Through my frozen heart tonight.
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away'

**Twist-Of-Fate** Wed Feb 27, 2013 6:47 pm

RULES ONE to FIVE (2013)

RULES OF DISTANCE
I guess it is only sensible to set out guide lines, now that she is back.
As paranoid as it is, I don't trust myself. Not at all these days.
Not with my thirst.
Not with the way my head is right now.
So rule Number One?

1. NO TALKING
(No more than pleasantries, be polite, but NOT friendly)
1.1- No asking about her trip. Not about Blue Ash OR Isadora
1.2 - No making her aware you know about her plans with the Black Winter
1.3 - No asking about new friends... Or men she has met along with way...

2. NO TOUCHING
Hand shaking, or otherwise...
Definitely no welcome hug or other overly tactile activities.

3. NO LINGERING IN LONG SILENCES
Silence tempts unnecessary questions
Silence tempts staring into each others eyes.
We know where that gets us... - brings me to the next rule

4. NO EYE CONTACT
Windows to the soul and all... She doesn't need to see what's in there right now
Nor do I need or want to know what's in hers...

RULES BENT AND BROKEN SO FAR...
Most of them. I failed dramatically...
No touching was fine, I had no cause to, but as for the topic choice, I couldn't help but ask.
It was brought up in convocation, hardly harmful. I didn't ask TOO much... At least I didn't mention
Isadora, or ask about her 'New Friends'.

Eye contact when straight out of the window, I wanted to get a good look at how much she had
changed, everyone was whispering how different she looked. Curiosity took over and I couldn't help myself.
She does look different, and at first I hated that, I despised that she had so effortlessly appeared to have moved
on with her life. Although, her new taste in clothes is growing on me... ashamedly...

Lingering silence, lead to (as I suspected) deep eye contact, AND more questions.

Maybe I should alter my rules, I mean guide lines.
They ARE ONLY guidelines

**Twist-Of-Fate** Wed Feb 27, 2013 7:12 pm

RULES FIVE to TEN (2013)

Maybe I was a little too stict in my guidelines before... I maybe emotionless to come extent,
but NOT being polite for the sake of bitterness is well bitter... and impolite, not at all in my character.
I had to at least ask how she was, and look at her - you can't talk and not LOOK at someone.
Besides I under-rated myself, I am positive I showed impeccable self control, despite my thirsty spluttering.

On that note, THIRST.
It is becoming more unbearable... I wake up dying every morning, if I have slept at all.
My chest burns, as every breath feels like I am pushing a weight up from my chest,
each one is an effort and it gets tiring that some days I give up and trying to LOOK normal.
Besides the delicious scents that linger in the air around the compound, mostly Karou's - I admit,
only hinder me. Taking a deep breath around her is like scraping sand paper over a sore, raw throat,
though it makes my eyes water, like yearning for fresh fruit or water...

I have decided that these rules (and I am now making them RULES not mere guide lines)
I am a lawyer for gods sake, I can't take 'guide lines' seriously, it isn't in my nature.
A law however is a law, and not to be messed with. Well only if they have loop holes.
These rules shall not have loop holes. None at all.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
5. NO PERSONAL QUESTIONS
In regards to my first guide line, I am modifying.
5.1 - No asking what she DID whilst away, I know WHERE she has been.
(Still no asking about men/new friends...)
5.2 - No asking if she missed me
5.3 - No asking about her business ventures with Roman Black and the Black Winter
OR talking about her plans with Cambria and the Circle

6. NO INVITES
6.1 - No asking her to the Unit - It isn't her home anymore
6.2 - No asking her to join you for a drink at the tavern - sounds like a date.
6.3 - No inviting her out, outside of the Compound. Even with others around.
As a side note: No leaving the Unit door OPEN, that is an invite in itself.

7. NO BEING ALONE
Alone time is a dangerous activity, especially seeing as I have noticed she is still extremely
adorable, and dare I say sexually attractive? At the same time.

8. NO STARING
Even when she isn't looking.
Plain and Simple Rule Number 8

9. NO READING HER OLD JOURNAL/ REMINISCING
Why torture myself?

10. NO FALLING FOR HER!!!
Who am I kidding? It'd be so easily done.
These RULES are there to prevent that after all...
I can't take another gone like that....

Why'd he have to look so beautiful?
Why'd she have to pick this place?
I hope she brought an explanation
I hope she doesn't look my way...
Cause it would be hard to say hello to her
When she never said goodbye
It would take every bit of strength I've gained to not get lost ... In those eyes

Oh but I can't take another gone like that
Take another hurt so bad that
I can't breathe, I can't sleep,
Don't wanna eat
And I won't take another where she goin'?
Can't take another all alone
Man sometimes I want her back.
But I can't take another gone like that

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